and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
