You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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