boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
