I wish you could order shots online.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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