I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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