i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I intend to get homeless drunk
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your cock deserves a montage
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
