My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
