woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
