Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
