im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
