What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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