I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
