True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
