I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
