If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
