I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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