if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
