Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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