if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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