Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
