My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
