it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
