Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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