oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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