dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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