I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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