My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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