I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
