4 words: hood of his car
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
