were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
