my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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