I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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