Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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