Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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