Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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