I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
