my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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