The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
