Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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