had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
