mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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