Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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