I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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