good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
