If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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