Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
