mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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