i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
