I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
