I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
