Soap is not a condiment
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
