Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
