we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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