did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
