If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
