Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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