I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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