Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
