its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Your shirt... Was in my pants
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
