Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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