I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You've changed since you got that strap on
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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