Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
