A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
