Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
