I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
