I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
