I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
