she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
